I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
