I wish I could teleport
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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