When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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