During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
