I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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