do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
