I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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