I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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