Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
