does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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