i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
