You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
