i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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