He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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