you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
