there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
