I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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