I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
