Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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