During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
