ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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