Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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