I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
