Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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