Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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