I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
