why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
