My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I checked into jail on foursquare
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
