Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
