I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
