i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize