that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
