strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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