It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
