drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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