I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
