I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
