I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
