just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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