I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
