We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
