Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
