Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
