is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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