fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
