I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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