Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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