my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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