3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
