if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
