I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
