she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize