New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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