stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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