I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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