My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
