She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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