you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
