I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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